Thought for a day...or two

It's a Monday afternoon and I feel like someone has beaten me overnight and given me a big dose of tired.  How did I get in this state?  Who knows! 

I remember as a teen that I always suffered with migraines (in fact going back before that I vividly remember a few occassions that I was struck down with them).  I also suffered from multiple aches and pains which, whenever, I visited the Doctor's surgery was put down to "growing pains".  At 15 I managed to damage my back - tearing a chunk of muscles in a very agonising twist.  Since then I suffered with my back aching in various degrees most of the time.  I basically battled along with these things, got some treatment to inhibit my migraines without ever getting to a root cause. 

Then, four years ago tomorrow, I had a motorcycle accident.  A truck pulled out of a junction right in front of me.  I had that moment of many, many options flashing through my head in one go.  I knew I wasn't going to stop in time and that slamming into the side would have been like hitting a brick wall. I knew I couldn't swing the bike quick enough to avoid it.  So my options were limited to picking where I wanted to get hit.  So I swung the bike in front of the truck and let go.  I still remember the impact and flying off the bike, the crunch of plastic and metal and then nothing for a few seconds.  I opened my eyes and found myself about 8 feet from the bike, laying on the road with my head on the kerb.  I lay there and systematically went around all my limbs and found everything moved (though with plenty of pain in places) but I was pretty sure nothing was broken.  I was wearing a flip face helmet and had split my lip so there was a pool of blood forming from this.  My boss was about 2 minutes behind me in his car and had stopped to help me.  The rest of the day was spent at the hospital (nothing broken but a toe) then sat at home feeling very sore.

The following day came along and I felt much, much worse.  I really did feel like I'd been through the wringer.  I had a big collection of bruises and aches.  As time went on I found my right shoulder was extremely sore and I seemed to have limited mobility in it.  I had an MRI on it and the Orthopaedic consultant did declare that there was a little swelling but nothing permanent.  I knew all in all I'd got away very, very lightly from what could have been much worse.

Unfortunately this was just the start of things that tied all my long standing aches and pains together.  I found that despite the prognosis that things would be okay as time went by I found that they weren't.  I was struggling to get back to exercising, my back was aching badly and I was having an increased incidence of migraines again.  I decided that it was time to see what was actually wrong with my back so I got another appointment with the Orthopaedic consultant to investigate.  So back into the MRI machine I went.  And, for 23 years of aching back, what did it show.  Nothing! Nada!  Sweet FA!  My back was declared as being in perfect order - aligned, muscular structure was good and there was not a single thing out of place.  This then meant it was time to really find out what was up with me.  The aches and pains were really starting to plague me, my headaches where horrendous, I was getting more and more fatigued, grumpy and, which I can admit now, depressed.

Finally Sarah and other friends convinced me to pursue this more.  I went with Sarah to see my GP and we started eliminating things.  I started to think that this was Fibromyalgia Syndrome and the lack of anything else we started to agree.  The next step was to see a rheumatologist.  I saw a local guy and, to be honest, was not particularly impressed with his diagnosis that it was all down to hyper-extendability in my joints.  However, I went with this for a while until I found an article stating that fibromyalgia syndrome can be kicked into overdrive by a trauma, and as things started getting worse after my accident, it was time to try someone else.  I went off to see another rhuematologist who took a much better history, listened to what I had to say and gave me a thorough examination.  At the end of this she confirmed what I'd suspected for a while - I had fibromyalgia syndrome. 

I went back to my GP and started to try things to help me.  We started trying different medications to control what was growing pain and combat the fatigue.  For about 8 months I had a terrible time until, in January this year, we seemed to get a medication mix that worked for me.  I was losing on average 3 working days a week - this just added to my depression.  However, this is only my second day I've not been able to go to work in four months.

The worst thing about this chronic illness is that it has no rhyme nor reason in when I feel good or bad.  There is nothing that triggers a "bad" day for me, it just happens.  Then I have to ride out the pain or fatigue or the headache.  Then the following day I can feel "good", which of course is all relative.  There is also no signs that I can point to for family, friends or co-workers as to why I feel awful.  It's true that areas I've damaged in the past hurt worse as though the brain has decided to hold on to the memory of these injuries, but it still doesn't give me anything to show - no bruises, swellings or rashes. Most of the time the only outward signs are on my face, in my eyes, I may be limping as my legs hurt, or just generally moving slowly.  Fortunately I work with some good colleagues, have a great manager and work for a company that does, on the whole, care about its employees.

I guess my point, if I have one, is that with people there is often a lot going on that doesn't show outwardly.  Whether an illness like fibromyalgia syndrome, depression, ME or a problem that someone is carrying with them, not knowing what to do, reach out to them.  Many people feel that admitting this to someone else is a sign of weakness so show them this is not true, show them compassion is still out there.